I've been absent from the blog and YouTube the last three weeks after saying I was back and hopefully going to stick to a fairly easy schedule. I even bought a planner to plan out post and videos to make it even easier.
If you have been following me here or on social media, especially Twitter, you may or may not know since last October I had begun dealing with a lot of stress, related to work and home life. At time I took to Twitter to rant or post an update here. Well during that time I started suffering from depression. I have struggled with it on and off most of my life since I was teen, and I know people these days talk about how every blogger and YouTuber have depression. I just have never gone public with mine. Every time I would mention it to my parents, their response would be "What do you have to be depressed over?" I wouldn't know how to form it into words at that time, in fact I still don't.
Over that time from October to now I knew the depression was getting bad because I just gave up on myself. I stopped doing my hair, stopped putting on makeup and I was putting not at all healthy food into my body. I simply just didn't give a you-know-what- anymore. I was also having anxiety attacks as well. It would happen when I would dread getting up for work and I would wake up covered in sweat, my heart pounding in my chest. I felt like I shouldn't leave the house, and once or twice I didn't. My co-workers began to notice it, my dad ignored it and my mom finally understood one night when I was in a complete breakdown.
So.. why am I making this into a blog post? I am making this into a blog post because that even though the worst of my depression has passed and some things have changed, there are still some days or weeks where the tiny embers that were the really bad depression spark up and become a roaring fire again.
I am hoping to go see a new doctor this month and maybe get better advice on how to deal with things or maybe even find a professional to talk to. Plus I want my readers to know that its okay to reach out and talk to someone, someone you have trust in, whether its a teacher, a doctor, a friend, or a relative. In this day depression and having anxiety shouldn't be a subject we just sweep under the rug.
The one person who has been there with me throughout this whole time besides my mom, was my best friend Stephanie. Even though she was going through her own crap she never once turned me away.
And this weekend she proved to me again I am stronger than I think. Saturday night after she got done with work we met up by chance at Wal-Mart and she convinced me to drive up to the lake and chill out for the night. I had never driven up to the lake before by myself. I have a huge fear of driving places I have never been, I also have and irrational fear of getting lost. I was doubting myself every step of the way until we were actually on our way.
When we got up there and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought and I saw the view, I had a sense of pride that I stepped out of my comfort zone. We ate dinner up there, went hiking, and even built a sand castle on the beach.
If you follow me on Instagram (if you don't you should click the icon at the top of the page) You saw three of the photos from our trip, but here they are again along with a few others.
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| Who can be stressed looking at this view. |
We hiked up to area where a large old hotel used to stand in the Catskill Mountains. Since it was up in the mountains when it caught fire in the late 1800's fire trucks couldn't get to it and so it burned to the ground. Whats left now is a nice picnic area, and a lovely board that explains all about the hotel.
The cool thing is if you go towards the edge you can see some engravings in the rocks, they recommend you take paper and a pencil and you can make etchings, there are five main ones I believe
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| This is the view from the summit of where the hotel sat. |
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| Me trying to take a selfie with the view, I plan on going back again soon, so I'll try for a better one. |
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| And this was the lake as the sun set. It looks like a painting and is by far my favorite photo. I think I might get this one printed for my room. |
All in all what I have learned through all of the last 10 months is that I am stronger than I know. I have to keep believing that things will get better, that there is a light out there for me. I am ready to take more chances and do things on my own now. I shouldn't be afraid, because I could be missing out on whats on the other side.
I hope that any of you that read this know that too. You are not alone in your struggle. If you need help, seek it.
Here are some numbers to help anyone that needs it. These numbers are directly from the U.S. Dept. Of Health and Human Services.
