Blood clots, weight loss, and depression! Oh my!

Hello!!

I hope you all are doing well! Me? I'm surviving. After reading this post I hope you'll have a better understanding of what I mean when I say that.

Its been a while since I've done a proper post and I figure I better start with where the hell I've been. I haven't had too much happen but enough that I know I am not the same person that I was maybe two years ago.

We'll start out at the beginning of 2017. I wanted 2017 to be the year of Nicole, I wanted to get back on track with taking care of myself, feeling good and just living life and being happy. Yeah...that didn't happen. At all. Late 2016 I found out I was going to be an aunty again and believe me I was super happy for my best friend who has been my BFF/sister for 13 years now. As the rest of 2016 went on and 2017 began I wanted to be super happy and looking forward to a spring baby, but my depression which I thought I had a handle on decided to break free.

I began to feel jealous that my bestie was on to her second baby, she has an amazing boyfriend (now fiance) and her was poor Nicole, no boyfriend, still living at home with no prospects. Hello pity party for one here.

I was also sad that I was turning 30 in 2017. And something that was really sad was I resigned myself to the fact that maybe I wasn't meant to meet someone or have kids of my own. This is how my brain was functioning at the time.

I confessed these feelings to my bestie shortly after she gave birth to my newest niece Emilia Grayce.

This was taken just a couple days after Emilia made her debut. 

My best friend who has been there for me through so much suggested that maybe I should join an online dating site and see what happens. I had tried it once in the past and it didn't really pan out for me so I kind of put dating off for while.

However this time I would meet someone who would change everything. I had gotten messages from guys, ones I didn't want to respond to I just didn't feel anything. Then one day I got a message from a guy. We'll call him Mr. S. Well Mr. S. sent me a message that wasn't any more special than the others but for some reason I wanted to message him back, badly. I took a whole day to do it. But once I did we just clicked. About a few days after talking we decided to meet up and after that we hung out a lot.  We went to some amazing places.

30th Birthday adventures. 

I went camping for the first time with Mr. S. 

I was loving our lazy weekends.

He made me so happy.


We got close but never defined our relationship, and that's the way it was for a few months. But Mr. S, made me feel alive, I started loosing weight because I wanted to look good for him, and for myself. He made me feel beautiful like no one else ever had. Sadly during the fall, Mr. S. and I had a huge fight. He wasn't ready to settle down and along with some other personal things, it all just blew up and we stopped talking and even unfriended each other from Facebook. I was miserable. If my depression was already bad this was the tipping point for things to get worse.

On top of Mr.S and I 'breaking up' things at home were bad too. My dad went into the hospital for sometime and it was just one thing after another.

Then Thanksgiving hit.

Around the beginning of November I had developed a horrid cough where I couldn't take a deep breath. I thought it was an upper respiratory infection, or bronchitis, and that I get it every year and it would go away on its own. But it didn't. So Thanksgiving I went to work and suddenly as I walked into the pharmacy I felt like everything rushed to my head and I was unsteady. When I got to my computer I became short of breath and freaked out calling out for my boss who is my savior. After almost an hour of sitting and not being able to stand or walk a long distance with out feeling like I couldn't breathe my mom came and took me to the urgent care that is ideally across the street from where I work.

From there we found out my heart rate was in the 130's while I was sitting down, Your heart rate should never be that high unless your intensely working out. My oxygen level was 89%, it should never go down below 95%. So I was sent by ambulance to the ER at the local hospital. After a blood test called the D-dimer, its a test that identifies if you have possible blood clots, the  test  came back positive so they sent me for a Cat scan to see if I had blood clots in my lungs.

I had massive blood clots in both lungs with my right lung worse then my left. I had to then be transferred to a new hospital who could save me.

The morning of Thanksgiving before it all went south. 

A few hours later 

I had to have procedure done to break up the blood clots and was in the hospital a total of 5 days.  I could have died. The whole reason for these clots? Birth control. It was the only different thing I started two months earlier. Since this whole thing I have had a battery of test done, especially testing to see if I had inherited risk factors that could of caused this. Nope every single test came back negative so far. I knew that would happen, and I'm glad it did, it means I won't be on blood thinners the rest of my life and I can still have kids.

During this time Mr.S and I reconnected and have started hanging out again. We are not dating but you never know what the future holds.

Since my stay in the hospital I swore 2018 would be the year I take care of me. While in the hospital I dropped 10 pounds making my grand total of weight loss since I met Mr. S 45 pounds. I have about 35 pounds more to loose and I think I'll be in a good place.

The photo of me in the pink tank top is from 2015 and the one in the mint one is from just a few weeks ago. 

I'm thankful for the push that Mr. S. gave me to begin loosing weight. I'm also amazed at how much depression and stress had a hand in it and I didn't go back to my old ways of eating. I honestly thought I was sick and that's why I lost so much weight but I'm actually super healthy according to doctors.

I have also sought out help with my depression and anxiety. Every day is a battle for me. Some days are really good and then other days I go to work and I feel I can't breathe and I have vice grip around my rib cage. Or I'll be with friends and want to leave because I just can't sit there and be happy and I don't want to burden anyone. I have had days where I've said allowed that I just want to disappear, or go into hiding until I feel better.  I doubt myself on a regular basis, need reassurance that things will be okay. And when its the bad days I can cry at the drop of hat.  Right before I went into the hospital I went to an Open Access Clinic for Mental health and since I have gone back twice now to talk to counselors and I'm on the waiting list for a therapist. I don't know whats going to come of this, but I know I need help in managing everything and talking to someone who doesn't know me.

As of my last session my counselor used the term "broken". I had called myself that before but to hear someone else say it, it hit me hard. I was told I have to take care of me, learn to love me, take care of me or else I'll be stuck the rest of my life. These things I've known about myself, but my issue is where do I start?

So that was my 2017 in a nutshell. If you really want me to make a video going into greater detail let me know and I'll do my best to make it happen.

Thanks for reading! Until next time.

Life update/Rant...a bit more ranty though.

Life....

Life is; busy, balancing work, social life, family obligations, paying bills, going to appointments. 

I hate being an adult.

I started blogging over five years ago. That's insane by the way! Not that I have EVER been consistent or anything. I wish I was. I know I tried to get myself on a schedule more than once but that four letter word gets in the way and all of this gets put to the back burner and sat there to simmer for god knows how long. 

When I started my blog, I had much more time on my hands. I worked a schedule where I was home most of the day so sitting on the computer or playing with nail polish was possible.I had much more energy five years ago, staying up till 2am swatching was totally awesome. I would put on Netflix and go to work.  I miss that. Now I work full time, and on my days off I’m running errands, going to doctor appointments and spending time with friends and family. Which is totally awesome too by the way, don’t get me wrong.  I also got to bed by 10pm every night and if I do stay up late I barely make it to midnight and if I happen to make it to 2am I am shattered the next day. 

When did I become an adult? I have managed to blog and YouTube in the last few months and that's great, I feel really accomplished when I manage to post something. I see my other blogging friend doing this as a regular thing and I think; “How do they manage everything?” 

I intended this post to be a life update, but theres not much to update, and now its become kind of rangy hasn't it? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still going to blog and make videos, but I just may not post regularly. All of this started out as a hobby, a hobby that I still love and obsess over. I just don't get to post about it much. Maybe one day I will find a way to make blogging and Youtubing a regular thing. 

For now though, I hope you guys, the lovely people that still read here when I post, or like a photo on my Instagram, will stick with me and my irregular posting! Thank you all who have been here for the last five years and I here's to the next five! 

And since you have made it to the end of this post here is a cute picture of Kitkat, ( my kitty if you didn’t know that already :) ) I'll talk to you soon! <3 Nicole

Fitness Journey Update: Bye Bye Soda!!

Hi guys!!!

Today I'm here with a Fitness Journey Update! April and May were 'plateau months' as I like to call them. I wasn't seeing a lot of changes, but just kept working at it.

During the month of May I started a fitness challenge that Lucy had on her YouTube Channel. She had also done one in April but I didn't get into it. She also doing one this month called Tone Every Zone, where 6 days of the week you have new video to tone a different area on your body. I remember she put up a pole on Twitter asking what area's we liked to work on and after all was said and done she chose, Thighs, Abs, Butt, Arms, Bust, and Back. For myself I'm working on thighs, abs, and arms, those are my problem areas.

So far I really like it and after doing the first few days of the workouts my inner thighs hurt for days afterward. It was awesome, that's how I know it worked for me. On the other days for the Tone challenge that I don't need to work on, I just choose a different workout to do so I don't fall off the wagon.

Here's the current video I've been doing when I'm not doing the toning videos. All you need is a chair!


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So I'm sure many of you saw the title, bye bye soda. Yup, I have officially given up soda and its evil ways. Its actually something that I should have done many many moons ago. Sadly I wasn't really a coffee drinker so soda was my only form of caffeine.

I did some research about giving up soda and found that the best way is to ween yourself off because going cold turkey has negative side effects. I tried it once a long time ago, and the ginormous headache was just horrible. So I took the advice from the Internet and began weening myself. So whatever I was drinking I cut it down by half, telling myself I could only have a couple of sodas for the day, until I only allowed myself one soda at dinner for about two days and then that was it. No more soda.


I have officially been soda free for almost a whole week now! I feel awesome! I have also seen some weightloss too! Which I was informed by friends and family I would.

I have started drinking coffee in the mornings to give myself the caffeine my body was going to be lacking. I had some coupons for some K-Cups for our Kureig, so I bought my self some Starbucks coffee, and flavored creamer so I wouldn't have to add extra sugar,

I also got myself a new coffee mug to celebrate my new part of my adventure.

It was the only one left on the shelf at Walmart, and I absolutely love England, and London. Its on my bucket list of places I want to visit one day.

I have also gained some more confidence over the last couple of months, I tried on my bathing suit and I actually don't hate how I look, and I have more confidence in wearing shorts too. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday coming up July 3rd and I said I would really like to go shopping for some new clothes. Ive never been so excited for clothes before, I mean I love clothes but I guess having more confidence in myself makes it more fun!

 That's all I have for you guys today! If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask!

Talk to you all soon! <3 Nicole.

A year in review....

Well hello there, Happy New Years everyone!! I hope you all have had fantastic holidays, whatever you celebrate! 

This post may not be a happy, 'best of' anything. Its just me reflecting on the year and how I hope 2016 will be. 

Over the last month or so I've been reflecting on where I was a year ago. I was in a much different state of mind. As I have said many times in blog post throughout this year.

2015 was not my year, by any means. Although it is ending fairly well. Tonight I'll be ringing in 2016 with my friends as I have the night off for the first time in years. And better yet I have off New Years Day too! 

I look back at this year and say "good riddance"! 

Last year I remember writing down resolutions, and lets be honest who ever keeps theirs? Out of five I went through with one, but it was an important one. Find a new job. This year I left my job in grocery retail, where I spent 10 years of my life.  It was pertinent to my mental health that I find a new job, one where I wasn't going to bring home the stress. One where my phone wasn't ringing all night with questions from people I thought knew how to do their job. One where I was dreading going to, or having panic attacks because I didn't want to go.

When things get that bad, its time for a change. I remember breaking down in front of my mom and how she reassured me that she would support me no matter what I did, while my dad who now is supportive, wasn't on board at first. 

At my new job I became a certified pharmacy technician. I'm not certified for the state of New York or anything but certified for the pharmacy I work for. I won't ever tell you where I work, I gotta keep some stuff unknown to keep up the mystery. Even though there is not much mystery to me. 

In the latter half year I kind of fell out of love with blogging and Youtubing. I couldn't find the time. and when I did I never wanted to finish what I started. I'm a horrible procrastinator. 

One good thing about this year though was I started working on getting healthy, something I have failed at for most of my life. I started working out during the summer, and I have photographic proof that I made a change in myself. I don't know if I'll ever show that photo to you guys, but the fact that I can see the difference makes me more motivated to keep it up next year and really get my butt in gear.

This year my biggest achievement and yet something I am still working on, dealing with my depression. I know I've talked about it here multiple times so I'll keep it short. This holiday season, compared to the last couple was the best holidays I've ever had. For the first time I felt so happy and realized how unbelievably blessed I am. I still have bad days but for the most part I'm pretty good about keeping my head from swimming around in those bad thoughts. 

For 2016 I have made a list of four goals I would like to achieve. I'm not making resolutions, they don't work. 

My first goal: To be healthier. I want to crack down and make that lifestyle change. 

Second: To go to a Supernatural Convention so I can give Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki a hug and tell them Thank you for helping me though my depression this year. If you want a post on that, how a TV show and its actors can help depression, leave a comment. 

Third: Do what makes me HAPPY. I found out I do love blogging and Youtubing and it makes me happy when I put up a new post or video, so in 2016 I want to do more of that.  Also spending time with family and friends. And giving myself much needed 'me' time to de-stress and relax. 

Fourth: Don't lose hope. Know that things happen for a reason and even though they are many bumps in the road, things will work out and it will be okay. 

I wish for everyone in 2016 to be happy and healthy. I hope that if 2015 treated you bad that you kick it to the curb and make 2016 your year. It will be my year! 

I love you all, thank you for sticking with me and my little blog for the last almost four years now! I will see you in 2016!!! <3

And for making it through this post, here is a photo of Kitkat my little fluffy orange kitty. 

So its been a minute...

So its been a minute... or weeks...

Yeah I haven't posted in a long while and I haven't posted a new video over on YouTube either since just before New Years.

Well... HAPPY 2015! Looking back now I did a post in January where you can see more content..from the blog on YouTube and a few other ideas I had in mind.

First off... I'm not changing the name of my blog. After talking to some great blogger friends, that just because I'm not nail polish specific anymore doesn't mean I need to change my name, so that's a relief because in all honesty I didn't want to change the name after having almost four years!!

Next thing, I said I wanted to be a better blogger/Youtuber... so far I have failed immensely at this. The first two months of 2015 have been very unkind to me. I haven't been in a very happy place since before Christmas and sadly the depression and anxiety have a slight hold on me.

I don't think I have ever talked about my depression and anxiety on here. Maybe but I can't remember.  Usually its not as bad as it is right now. I have had zero motivation to do anything, and when I say anything I mean even putting an effort into myself. I still like doing my makeup but when it comes to my hair and nails, nothing. I usually just throw my hair in a bun and my nails have been naked for more than a month now.

I don't like being in a not happy place. I wish I had a better explanation but I don't. I'm hoping that while spring makes it way to New York that things are going to get better. I'm currently waiting to hear on a new job. If you follow me on twitter you know that I absolutely despise my job. Sadly I can't just up and quit because of being an adult and having responsibilities, but if it comes through I'll be very excited. It will be a fresh start, something I really need right now. If it doesn't I do have a contingency plan. Also I think once the weather goes from winter into spring mode my mood will get much better.

There is no right way to describe depression. Its different for everyone. I think the one thing we can agree on is that ITS SUCKS! I am so grateful that I have people in my life are helping me get through this. So I apologize that I haven't posted on here but I did take some photos for the blog and will hopefully have a new post up this week! And if I can a new video up on Saturday or Sunday!


So THANK YOU to you guys for sticking with me over the last four years and hopefully beyond! I love you guys! <3 Nicole

Boy its been a long time!!! I'm Back! Hopefully!

Well hello there dear readers! *Waives frantically at all of you!* 

I hope that you all are doing well. I apologize for my absence but the last month or so has been pretty stressful for me and not in a good way. Sadly this blog and everything that goes with it is not my full-time job. I wish it was. I would gladly take being a full time blogger/youtuber any day over working customer service. 

I won’t go into detail of what happened over the last month or so but I will say that my depression and anxiety levels reached all new heights. I actually had anxiety attacks for the first time since I was a kid. The month of September however has been showing that things in my life are slowly improving and if you follow me on Twitter (which is where I am mostly active) then you know some of the things I am going to mention next. 

I'm on Youtube!

Good morning lovelies! I hope you all are doing well!

I first off want to apologize for the lack of posts here over the last week or so. I've been busy with life things and something really really exciting!

You may have already seen this on my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, but I'm gonna share it here too!

I made a YouTube video!! I have been wanted to make a YouTube video for a long time and every time I would start something would go wrong, the camera would be out of focus, whatever it was I kind of gave up on it for a little bit.

But I took the leap of faith over Easter weekend and filmed my first video, ( now that I knew how to focus the camera properly and the weather was cooperating!).

Its titled Whats In My Bag where I show you the contents of whats in my big ole' purse. I was inspired to do it after seeing Missglamorazzi's video.

So below you will find the video I hope you guys enjoy it. If you like what you see please please subscribe and comment, I want as much feedback as I can to improve my videos.




That being said the same goes here on the blog. I will still post a ton here too, so please don't be afraid to comment on a post! I want to know what you think! I value my readers opinion a lot! 

Stay tuned to the blog for so much more coming up and of course any videos I post to Youtube I'll try to post here too!

I'll talk to you guys soon! <3 Nicole

Update!!!

Hello lovelies!!

I hope you all are well. I'm so sorry I haven't posted to here in almost two months. Unfortunately there really hasn't been anything to update about.

School is still going on and to be honest its been tougher than I thought. I am definitely struggling to handle everything. I have even had some regrets about going back but my family and friends in real life and on social media have reassured me it was the right step to take.

I am however glad that it is over in three weeks! After that we get about a month break before spring semester begins. I hope that during that month off I can get some serious blogging done. I miss it so much. My nails have most certainly suffered from the lack of care they used to get before life went all crazy on me! Right now they are nubbins and the polish that I am wearing which is OPI Charged Up Cherry, is severely chipped. It makes me so so sad. I have acquired plenty of new polishes and cannot wait to swatch them for you and even maybe get to do some holiday nail art.

Next semester thought that starts in January, I made my workload a little lighter, I'm not expecting to graduate on time, I had to retake a class that I took almost three years ago so that threw me off but I also realized I'm not sure I want to go all the way and get a four year degree with business, I may just see where I go when I'm done here. However with that said, I am hoping that since my work load would be lighter and I am going to be working less I can focus more on school and blogging.

What I really want to do is blogging I mean I absolutely love it. I just wish I could make it into my job, but then I would become a recluse!

Anyway when I get a chance I will upload some photos to this post of any manicures I took photos of over the last two months and anything else that is exciting.

Okay lovelies talk to you soon!

<3 Nicole

Hi guys!!

So it's been over a month since I last posted on here. How are you all??? 

I am doing ok, everything is going well but I sure am busy as heck with school work and life in general! After I posted about taking a break I was kind of regretting it. I kept thinking that I could find a way to blog and do everything else. I realize now though that if I had tried to do everything I would be down to a frazzle and sometimes I think I am. 

If you follow me on Instagram I try to post manicure photos when I actually have time to do my nails! I have found out that I have been wearing polishes for 5-6 days and letting it chip which in turn makes my nails break and chip themselves. And basically my nails have been looking disastrous!  Yesterday I had to paint my nails right after eating lunch while catching up on reading, and Netflix haha. I know watching Netflix probably isn't a necessity but I have become addicted to the tv show Supernatural.... 

If you have seen the show then you know why. 

Obligations outside of school and work have been crazy too! I feel I don't get to see my family so much. But to be honest even when I wasn't at school I didn't see them much. 

We celebrated my nieces first birthday this month! It was so cute and a sad yet exciting time. She's now standing up and saying a few words and clapping. I wish she was still a new born. I miss holding her like that, now she just likes to squirm around and be cranky because she's teething. But personally I can't wait to see her walk and actually form words for sentences! 

Ok so enough babbling for me, here are a couple of photos to show you what I have been up too! 

This is my nieces first birthday party! Look at the cuteness! 

This is my first 'A' of the semester! 

Here is Gigi is standing up, now if she could only figure out how to move. As soon as she stand and realizes she can't move she cries. 

And here is my most current manicure, it's fall inspired. It is China Glaze Foie Gras and Finger Paint Flakies. It reminds me of the changing leaves on the trees. 

  

Ok so that is it for this update post! Maybe I can do more like this in the future! If not be sure to follow me on Instagram @mynailsmypolish to see what's been going on! 

Love you guys and talk to you all soon! 

<3 Nicole