Blood clots, weight loss, and depression! Oh my!

Hello!!

I hope you all are doing well! Me? I'm surviving. After reading this post I hope you'll have a better understanding of what I mean when I say that.

Its been a while since I've done a proper post and I figure I better start with where the hell I've been. I haven't had too much happen but enough that I know I am not the same person that I was maybe two years ago.

We'll start out at the beginning of 2017. I wanted 2017 to be the year of Nicole, I wanted to get back on track with taking care of myself, feeling good and just living life and being happy. Yeah...that didn't happen. At all. Late 2016 I found out I was going to be an aunty again and believe me I was super happy for my best friend who has been my BFF/sister for 13 years now. As the rest of 2016 went on and 2017 began I wanted to be super happy and looking forward to a spring baby, but my depression which I thought I had a handle on decided to break free.

I began to feel jealous that my bestie was on to her second baby, she has an amazing boyfriend (now fiance) and her was poor Nicole, no boyfriend, still living at home with no prospects. Hello pity party for one here.

I was also sad that I was turning 30 in 2017. And something that was really sad was I resigned myself to the fact that maybe I wasn't meant to meet someone or have kids of my own. This is how my brain was functioning at the time.

I confessed these feelings to my bestie shortly after she gave birth to my newest niece Emilia Grayce.

This was taken just a couple days after Emilia made her debut. 

My best friend who has been there for me through so much suggested that maybe I should join an online dating site and see what happens. I had tried it once in the past and it didn't really pan out for me so I kind of put dating off for while.

However this time I would meet someone who would change everything. I had gotten messages from guys, ones I didn't want to respond to I just didn't feel anything. Then one day I got a message from a guy. We'll call him Mr. S. Well Mr. S. sent me a message that wasn't any more special than the others but for some reason I wanted to message him back, badly. I took a whole day to do it. But once I did we just clicked. About a few days after talking we decided to meet up and after that we hung out a lot.  We went to some amazing places.

30th Birthday adventures. 

I went camping for the first time with Mr. S. 

I was loving our lazy weekends.

He made me so happy.


We got close but never defined our relationship, and that's the way it was for a few months. But Mr. S, made me feel alive, I started loosing weight because I wanted to look good for him, and for myself. He made me feel beautiful like no one else ever had. Sadly during the fall, Mr. S. and I had a huge fight. He wasn't ready to settle down and along with some other personal things, it all just blew up and we stopped talking and even unfriended each other from Facebook. I was miserable. If my depression was already bad this was the tipping point for things to get worse.

On top of Mr.S and I 'breaking up' things at home were bad too. My dad went into the hospital for sometime and it was just one thing after another.

Then Thanksgiving hit.

Around the beginning of November I had developed a horrid cough where I couldn't take a deep breath. I thought it was an upper respiratory infection, or bronchitis, and that I get it every year and it would go away on its own. But it didn't. So Thanksgiving I went to work and suddenly as I walked into the pharmacy I felt like everything rushed to my head and I was unsteady. When I got to my computer I became short of breath and freaked out calling out for my boss who is my savior. After almost an hour of sitting and not being able to stand or walk a long distance with out feeling like I couldn't breathe my mom came and took me to the urgent care that is ideally across the street from where I work.

From there we found out my heart rate was in the 130's while I was sitting down, Your heart rate should never be that high unless your intensely working out. My oxygen level was 89%, it should never go down below 95%. So I was sent by ambulance to the ER at the local hospital. After a blood test called the D-dimer, its a test that identifies if you have possible blood clots, the  test  came back positive so they sent me for a Cat scan to see if I had blood clots in my lungs.

I had massive blood clots in both lungs with my right lung worse then my left. I had to then be transferred to a new hospital who could save me.

The morning of Thanksgiving before it all went south. 

A few hours later 

I had to have procedure done to break up the blood clots and was in the hospital a total of 5 days.  I could have died. The whole reason for these clots? Birth control. It was the only different thing I started two months earlier. Since this whole thing I have had a battery of test done, especially testing to see if I had inherited risk factors that could of caused this. Nope every single test came back negative so far. I knew that would happen, and I'm glad it did, it means I won't be on blood thinners the rest of my life and I can still have kids.

During this time Mr.S and I reconnected and have started hanging out again. We are not dating but you never know what the future holds.

Since my stay in the hospital I swore 2018 would be the year I take care of me. While in the hospital I dropped 10 pounds making my grand total of weight loss since I met Mr. S 45 pounds. I have about 35 pounds more to loose and I think I'll be in a good place.

The photo of me in the pink tank top is from 2015 and the one in the mint one is from just a few weeks ago. 

I'm thankful for the push that Mr. S. gave me to begin loosing weight. I'm also amazed at how much depression and stress had a hand in it and I didn't go back to my old ways of eating. I honestly thought I was sick and that's why I lost so much weight but I'm actually super healthy according to doctors.

I have also sought out help with my depression and anxiety. Every day is a battle for me. Some days are really good and then other days I go to work and I feel I can't breathe and I have vice grip around my rib cage. Or I'll be with friends and want to leave because I just can't sit there and be happy and I don't want to burden anyone. I have had days where I've said allowed that I just want to disappear, or go into hiding until I feel better.  I doubt myself on a regular basis, need reassurance that things will be okay. And when its the bad days I can cry at the drop of hat.  Right before I went into the hospital I went to an Open Access Clinic for Mental health and since I have gone back twice now to talk to counselors and I'm on the waiting list for a therapist. I don't know whats going to come of this, but I know I need help in managing everything and talking to someone who doesn't know me.

As of my last session my counselor used the term "broken". I had called myself that before but to hear someone else say it, it hit me hard. I was told I have to take care of me, learn to love me, take care of me or else I'll be stuck the rest of my life. These things I've known about myself, but my issue is where do I start?

So that was my 2017 in a nutshell. If you really want me to make a video going into greater detail let me know and I'll do my best to make it happen.

Thanks for reading! Until next time.

Dealing With Depression, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Good Morning lovelies. Today's post isn't going to be beauty related, however it is going to be life related.

I've been absent from the blog and YouTube the last three weeks after saying I was back and hopefully going to stick to a fairly easy schedule. I even bought a planner to plan out post and videos to make it even easier.

If you have been following me here or on social media, especially Twitter, you may or may not know since last October I had begun dealing with a lot of stress, related to work and home life. At time I took to Twitter to rant or post an update here. Well during that time I started suffering from depression. I have struggled with it on and off most of my life since I was teen, and I know people these days talk about how every blogger and YouTuber have depression. I just have never gone public with mine. Every time I would mention it to my parents, their response would be "What do you have to be depressed over?" I wouldn't know how to form it into words at that time, in fact I still don't.

Over that time from October to now I knew the depression was getting bad because I just gave up on myself. I stopped doing my hair, stopped putting on makeup and I was putting not at all healthy food into my body. I simply just didn't give a you-know-what- anymore. I was also having anxiety attacks as well. It would happen when I would dread getting up for work and I would wake up covered in sweat, my heart pounding in my chest. I felt like I shouldn't leave the house, and once or twice I didn't.  My co-workers began to notice it, my dad ignored it and my mom finally understood one night when I was in a complete breakdown.


So.. why am I making this into a blog post? I am making this into a blog post because that even though the worst of my depression has passed and some things have changed, there are still some days or weeks where the tiny embers that were the really bad depression spark up and become a roaring fire again.

I am hoping to go see a new doctor this month and maybe get better advice on how to deal with things or maybe even find a professional to talk to. Plus I want my readers to know that its okay to reach out and talk to someone, someone you have trust in, whether its a teacher, a doctor, a friend, or a relative. In this day depression and having anxiety shouldn't be a subject we just sweep under the rug.

The one person who has been there with me throughout this whole time besides my mom, was my best friend Stephanie. Even though she was going through her own crap she never once turned me away.

And this weekend she proved to me again I am stronger than I think. Saturday night after she got done with work we met up by chance at Wal-Mart and she convinced me to drive up to the lake and chill out for the night. I had never driven up to the lake before by myself. I have a huge fear of driving places I have never been, I also have and irrational fear of getting lost. I was doubting myself every step of the way until we were actually on our way.

When we got up there and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought and I saw the view, I had a sense of pride that I stepped out of my comfort zone. We ate dinner up there, went hiking, and even built a sand castle on the beach.

If you follow me on Instagram (if you don't you should click the icon at the top of the page) You saw three of the photos from our trip, but here they are again along with a few others.

Who can be stressed looking at this view. 

We hiked up to area where a large old hotel used to stand in the Catskill Mountains. Since it was up in the mountains when it caught fire in the late 1800's fire trucks couldn't get to it and so it burned to the ground. Whats left now is a nice picnic area, and a lovely board that explains all about the hotel.

The cool thing is if you go towards the edge you can see some engravings in the rocks, they recommend you take paper and a pencil and you can make etchings, there are five main ones I believe

This is the view from the summit of where the hotel sat. 

Me trying to take a selfie with the view, I plan on going back again soon, so I'll try for a better one. 

And this was the lake as the sun set. It looks like a painting and is by far my favorite photo. I think I might get this one printed for my room. 

All in all what I have learned through all of the last 10 months is that I am stronger than I know. I have to keep believing that things will get better, that there is a light out there for me. I am ready to take more chances and do things on my own now. I shouldn't be afraid, because I could be missing out on whats on the other side.

I hope that any of you that read this know that too. You are not alone in your struggle. If you need help, seek it.

Here are some numbers to help anyone that needs it. These numbers are directly from the U.S. Dept. Of Health and Human Services.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline –1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255) 

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline –1‑877‑SAMHSA7 (1‑877‑726‑4727)

I'll talk to you all soon. <3 Nicole

I'M BACK!!! Well hopefully!

Hello lovelies!!! I hope you all have been well. I myself have certainly had many ups and downs over the last year or so, more or less the most of of them happening towards the end of last year and beginning of this year. I believe I have posted about some of the things that were happening, if you want to know just take a look back at some of my old post before this one.

As of right now June 30th I can say I am much better than where I was six months ago, and that is a very good thing. I'm not 100% back but thats okay because its not all going to get better overnight.

I have always suffered with depression and anxiety, but I used to have a good control over it, a control where I wouldn't let it rule my life, this time around however it just over powered me and knocked me down to the way bottom. To anyone else out there suffering from depression, anxiety, any type of mental health issue I want you to know this, you are not alone in your struggles. Believe me when I say that, don't be afraid to reach out for help because it is there.

At the end of last year I wanted to get back into blogging and being a better blogger/Youtuber, and there is no point of making excuses, sometimes things just don't happen. HOWEVER lets get back on this horse and ride on!

I'm once again hoping to get myself on a schedule, blog posts on Tuesdays and Thursdays and video for the YouTube Channel on Sundays. Seems reasonable and now that I have pretty much set hours at work I think I can swing it!

So heres to hoping, and send words of encouragement if you can! Thank you to any of you who have stayed with me this long!

I love you guys! See you in the next post! <3
Nicole

So its been a minute...

So its been a minute... or weeks...

Yeah I haven't posted in a long while and I haven't posted a new video over on YouTube either since just before New Years.

Well... HAPPY 2015! Looking back now I did a post in January where you can see more content..from the blog on YouTube and a few other ideas I had in mind.

First off... I'm not changing the name of my blog. After talking to some great blogger friends, that just because I'm not nail polish specific anymore doesn't mean I need to change my name, so that's a relief because in all honesty I didn't want to change the name after having almost four years!!

Next thing, I said I wanted to be a better blogger/Youtuber... so far I have failed immensely at this. The first two months of 2015 have been very unkind to me. I haven't been in a very happy place since before Christmas and sadly the depression and anxiety have a slight hold on me.

I don't think I have ever talked about my depression and anxiety on here. Maybe but I can't remember.  Usually its not as bad as it is right now. I have had zero motivation to do anything, and when I say anything I mean even putting an effort into myself. I still like doing my makeup but when it comes to my hair and nails, nothing. I usually just throw my hair in a bun and my nails have been naked for more than a month now.

I don't like being in a not happy place. I wish I had a better explanation but I don't. I'm hoping that while spring makes it way to New York that things are going to get better. I'm currently waiting to hear on a new job. If you follow me on twitter you know that I absolutely despise my job. Sadly I can't just up and quit because of being an adult and having responsibilities, but if it comes through I'll be very excited. It will be a fresh start, something I really need right now. If it doesn't I do have a contingency plan. Also I think once the weather goes from winter into spring mode my mood will get much better.

There is no right way to describe depression. Its different for everyone. I think the one thing we can agree on is that ITS SUCKS! I am so grateful that I have people in my life are helping me get through this. So I apologize that I haven't posted on here but I did take some photos for the blog and will hopefully have a new post up this week! And if I can a new video up on Saturday or Sunday!


So THANK YOU to you guys for sticking with me over the last four years and hopefully beyond! I love you guys! <3 Nicole