Blood clots, weight loss, and depression! Oh my!

Hello!!

I hope you all are doing well! Me? I'm surviving. After reading this post I hope you'll have a better understanding of what I mean when I say that.

Its been a while since I've done a proper post and I figure I better start with where the hell I've been. I haven't had too much happen but enough that I know I am not the same person that I was maybe two years ago.

We'll start out at the beginning of 2017. I wanted 2017 to be the year of Nicole, I wanted to get back on track with taking care of myself, feeling good and just living life and being happy. Yeah...that didn't happen. At all. Late 2016 I found out I was going to be an aunty again and believe me I was super happy for my best friend who has been my BFF/sister for 13 years now. As the rest of 2016 went on and 2017 began I wanted to be super happy and looking forward to a spring baby, but my depression which I thought I had a handle on decided to break free.

I began to feel jealous that my bestie was on to her second baby, she has an amazing boyfriend (now fiance) and her was poor Nicole, no boyfriend, still living at home with no prospects. Hello pity party for one here.

I was also sad that I was turning 30 in 2017. And something that was really sad was I resigned myself to the fact that maybe I wasn't meant to meet someone or have kids of my own. This is how my brain was functioning at the time.

I confessed these feelings to my bestie shortly after she gave birth to my newest niece Emilia Grayce.

This was taken just a couple days after Emilia made her debut. 

My best friend who has been there for me through so much suggested that maybe I should join an online dating site and see what happens. I had tried it once in the past and it didn't really pan out for me so I kind of put dating off for while.

However this time I would meet someone who would change everything. I had gotten messages from guys, ones I didn't want to respond to I just didn't feel anything. Then one day I got a message from a guy. We'll call him Mr. S. Well Mr. S. sent me a message that wasn't any more special than the others but for some reason I wanted to message him back, badly. I took a whole day to do it. But once I did we just clicked. About a few days after talking we decided to meet up and after that we hung out a lot.  We went to some amazing places.

30th Birthday adventures. 

I went camping for the first time with Mr. S. 

I was loving our lazy weekends.

He made me so happy.


We got close but never defined our relationship, and that's the way it was for a few months. But Mr. S, made me feel alive, I started loosing weight because I wanted to look good for him, and for myself. He made me feel beautiful like no one else ever had. Sadly during the fall, Mr. S. and I had a huge fight. He wasn't ready to settle down and along with some other personal things, it all just blew up and we stopped talking and even unfriended each other from Facebook. I was miserable. If my depression was already bad this was the tipping point for things to get worse.

On top of Mr.S and I 'breaking up' things at home were bad too. My dad went into the hospital for sometime and it was just one thing after another.

Then Thanksgiving hit.

Around the beginning of November I had developed a horrid cough where I couldn't take a deep breath. I thought it was an upper respiratory infection, or bronchitis, and that I get it every year and it would go away on its own. But it didn't. So Thanksgiving I went to work and suddenly as I walked into the pharmacy I felt like everything rushed to my head and I was unsteady. When I got to my computer I became short of breath and freaked out calling out for my boss who is my savior. After almost an hour of sitting and not being able to stand or walk a long distance with out feeling like I couldn't breathe my mom came and took me to the urgent care that is ideally across the street from where I work.

From there we found out my heart rate was in the 130's while I was sitting down, Your heart rate should never be that high unless your intensely working out. My oxygen level was 89%, it should never go down below 95%. So I was sent by ambulance to the ER at the local hospital. After a blood test called the D-dimer, its a test that identifies if you have possible blood clots, the  test  came back positive so they sent me for a Cat scan to see if I had blood clots in my lungs.

I had massive blood clots in both lungs with my right lung worse then my left. I had to then be transferred to a new hospital who could save me.

The morning of Thanksgiving before it all went south. 

A few hours later 

I had to have procedure done to break up the blood clots and was in the hospital a total of 5 days.  I could have died. The whole reason for these clots? Birth control. It was the only different thing I started two months earlier. Since this whole thing I have had a battery of test done, especially testing to see if I had inherited risk factors that could of caused this. Nope every single test came back negative so far. I knew that would happen, and I'm glad it did, it means I won't be on blood thinners the rest of my life and I can still have kids.

During this time Mr.S and I reconnected and have started hanging out again. We are not dating but you never know what the future holds.

Since my stay in the hospital I swore 2018 would be the year I take care of me. While in the hospital I dropped 10 pounds making my grand total of weight loss since I met Mr. S 45 pounds. I have about 35 pounds more to loose and I think I'll be in a good place.

The photo of me in the pink tank top is from 2015 and the one in the mint one is from just a few weeks ago. 

I'm thankful for the push that Mr. S. gave me to begin loosing weight. I'm also amazed at how much depression and stress had a hand in it and I didn't go back to my old ways of eating. I honestly thought I was sick and that's why I lost so much weight but I'm actually super healthy according to doctors.

I have also sought out help with my depression and anxiety. Every day is a battle for me. Some days are really good and then other days I go to work and I feel I can't breathe and I have vice grip around my rib cage. Or I'll be with friends and want to leave because I just can't sit there and be happy and I don't want to burden anyone. I have had days where I've said allowed that I just want to disappear, or go into hiding until I feel better.  I doubt myself on a regular basis, need reassurance that things will be okay. And when its the bad days I can cry at the drop of hat.  Right before I went into the hospital I went to an Open Access Clinic for Mental health and since I have gone back twice now to talk to counselors and I'm on the waiting list for a therapist. I don't know whats going to come of this, but I know I need help in managing everything and talking to someone who doesn't know me.

As of my last session my counselor used the term "broken". I had called myself that before but to hear someone else say it, it hit me hard. I was told I have to take care of me, learn to love me, take care of me or else I'll be stuck the rest of my life. These things I've known about myself, but my issue is where do I start?

So that was my 2017 in a nutshell. If you really want me to make a video going into greater detail let me know and I'll do my best to make it happen.

Thanks for reading! Until next time.

Slow and steady wins the race. March Fitness Update.

Good morning!!

Do you have snow on the ground? I do, and I hate it. Four days ago it was 77 degrees and I could leave the house without a jacket. It was glorious. Ah well, I'm hopeful the warm weather will eventually make its way to the northeast. However the weather is not why we're here today.

Today I bring you March's Fitness Update.


 I finally starting settling into my workout routine. Some people workout everyday, or five days a week, and that is totally awesome, kudos to those people. For me with the way my work schedule falls working out every other day seemed to work. For the majority of my workouts, I was doing them in the evening after I would get home from work. Once or twice a week, ( besides days off) I wouldn't have to be in until 5 and I could workout in the morning. I prefer working out in the morning though, I get it out of the way and it sets me up with lots of energy during the day!

But since I work a mostly 9 to 5, sometimes a little later job, I don't really like the idea of getting up at the butt crack of dawn to get in a workout, and shower before I have to leave the house at 8:30.

One thing I have found that I love during March was making custom playlist through my YouTube account, so if one day I want to do an all over workout: I have a playlist for that. If I just want to work on abs and thighs, which is what I am focusing on right now: I have a playlist for that. Its awesome!

In my introduction post I mentioned that I wasn't loosing pounds, which I know now is because I'm not focusing on my diet very much. I think probably diet and food will be more of topic in April. Although I have lost inches and I was informed by my co-workers and family  that I was building muscle and toning, (which I already knew).

 But I will say I have lost about 10 inches all over my body since January!

Which is awesome! I have dropped down a shirt size, but haven't checked to see if I have dropped a pant size yet, but I do have to keep pulling my pants up all the time!! I don't want to buy any new clothes just yet, because if I am going to keep loosing weight I don't want to spend money on clothing I'm only going to wear once.

Overall March was not very big on changes for me, but as the title says slow and steady wins the race.

I am also sorry this update didn't have any photos and is kind of short, but there wasn't a lot to report on. Hopefully the coming months there will be.

Talk to you all soon! <3 Nicole

I'M BACK!!! Well hopefully!

Hello lovelies!!! I hope you all have been well. I myself have certainly had many ups and downs over the last year or so, more or less the most of of them happening towards the end of last year and beginning of this year. I believe I have posted about some of the things that were happening, if you want to know just take a look back at some of my old post before this one.

As of right now June 30th I can say I am much better than where I was six months ago, and that is a very good thing. I'm not 100% back but thats okay because its not all going to get better overnight.

I have always suffered with depression and anxiety, but I used to have a good control over it, a control where I wouldn't let it rule my life, this time around however it just over powered me and knocked me down to the way bottom. To anyone else out there suffering from depression, anxiety, any type of mental health issue I want you to know this, you are not alone in your struggles. Believe me when I say that, don't be afraid to reach out for help because it is there.

At the end of last year I wanted to get back into blogging and being a better blogger/Youtuber, and there is no point of making excuses, sometimes things just don't happen. HOWEVER lets get back on this horse and ride on!

I'm once again hoping to get myself on a schedule, blog posts on Tuesdays and Thursdays and video for the YouTube Channel on Sundays. Seems reasonable and now that I have pretty much set hours at work I think I can swing it!

So heres to hoping, and send words of encouragement if you can! Thank you to any of you who have stayed with me this long!

I love you guys! See you in the next post! <3
Nicole

So its been a minute...

So its been a minute... or weeks...

Yeah I haven't posted in a long while and I haven't posted a new video over on YouTube either since just before New Years.

Well... HAPPY 2015! Looking back now I did a post in January where you can see more content..from the blog on YouTube and a few other ideas I had in mind.

First off... I'm not changing the name of my blog. After talking to some great blogger friends, that just because I'm not nail polish specific anymore doesn't mean I need to change my name, so that's a relief because in all honesty I didn't want to change the name after having almost four years!!

Next thing, I said I wanted to be a better blogger/Youtuber... so far I have failed immensely at this. The first two months of 2015 have been very unkind to me. I haven't been in a very happy place since before Christmas and sadly the depression and anxiety have a slight hold on me.

I don't think I have ever talked about my depression and anxiety on here. Maybe but I can't remember.  Usually its not as bad as it is right now. I have had zero motivation to do anything, and when I say anything I mean even putting an effort into myself. I still like doing my makeup but when it comes to my hair and nails, nothing. I usually just throw my hair in a bun and my nails have been naked for more than a month now.

I don't like being in a not happy place. I wish I had a better explanation but I don't. I'm hoping that while spring makes it way to New York that things are going to get better. I'm currently waiting to hear on a new job. If you follow me on twitter you know that I absolutely despise my job. Sadly I can't just up and quit because of being an adult and having responsibilities, but if it comes through I'll be very excited. It will be a fresh start, something I really need right now. If it doesn't I do have a contingency plan. Also I think once the weather goes from winter into spring mode my mood will get much better.

There is no right way to describe depression. Its different for everyone. I think the one thing we can agree on is that ITS SUCKS! I am so grateful that I have people in my life are helping me get through this. So I apologize that I haven't posted on here but I did take some photos for the blog and will hopefully have a new post up this week! And if I can a new video up on Saturday or Sunday!


So THANK YOU to you guys for sticking with me over the last four years and hopefully beyond! I love you guys! <3 Nicole

Did you know you can see more content on Youtube? Name Change?

Hello lovelies and Happy New Year to you all!! I hope 2015 is good to us. I was very glad to see 2014 go!


Yup you read the title right, I'm doing a little shameless self-promotion. With the New Year 4 days in already I am determined to make myself a better blogger and YouTuber this year.

If you didn't know by the one or two post I have posted here that I also make YouTube videos now and have been since around Easter back last year. It was stepping I had been looking to make for sometime and finally took the leap.


I'm trying to find a balance between here and YouTube and deciding on what content to put where. I feel YouTube is better for Tutorials, except nail art related ones for me. I don't think I'm anywhere good enough to do those so I'll leave those to the professionals. I also enjoy making favorites videos versus long ass blog post that have 100 photos. However I love writing blog posts where I can show you lovely readers amazing swatch photos, and usually video can never do a good picture justice.

So as 2015 marches on you will see me try to find my footing.


Now on to a different topic. When I created My Nails. My Polish almost four years ago, (its been four years? Holy crap!) I was mainly going to be a nail polish specific blog. For a time I was, and I enjoyed it greatly. I have made some awesomely beautiful friends along the way and many new ones too and I wouldn't trade any of that away.

But about a year to a year and a half ago I started branching out more into the whole realm of beauty and didn't focus too much on polish anymore. I was doing post like Free For All Beauty Fridays and reviews and then eventually I realized I was posting more beauty related topics than manicures.

Over that time I have come to find that I love EVERYTHING beauty related and don't want to focus on one thing. I enjoy doing my makeup and creating different looks and I can't stop reading about new products coming out. Don't even get me started on skin and hair care.

So with all of that being said, I was thinking about a name change. My Nails. My Polish could still work as a blog name, hell it has for almost four years but I feel it doesn't reflect what the blog has become.

Here is where I need my lovely readers to help me out. I need you to help me decide if I should go through the painstaking task of changing over my Blog Name, Social Media Accounts, and so on. I have an idea for a name ' Nic's Beauty Bits'. It incorporates my name and what the blog has become. I'm just on the fence of whether or not I should do it. So what do you think??

In the comments below Please, please let me know what you think, Your voice matters in what I do because if it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't even be here!

I love you guys! <3 Nicole

Who wanrts to see Vacation Slides?? (Pic Heavy!)

Okay so maybe not slides but photos? I took a few photos on my vacation and thought I would share them here with you.

So lets start with my nails. My nails have taken a beating over the last few months, I've been keeping them short because every time they start to get long, they break, and so I don't accidently break them as well.

Before vacation I bought China Glaze's Surfin' For Boys, its from the 2012 neon collection. The one neon collection from China Glaze that I almost bought all of! And I don't know how I left this one out. Its a bright  orange-red coral, that litterally glows on you nails and makes your skin look more tan than it is. I can't imagine what it would look like if I had my self tanning stuff on.

Boy its been a long time!!! I'm Back! Hopefully!

Well hello there dear readers! *Waives frantically at all of you!* 

I hope that you all are doing well. I apologize for my absence but the last month or so has been pretty stressful for me and not in a good way. Sadly this blog and everything that goes with it is not my full-time job. I wish it was. I would gladly take being a full time blogger/youtuber any day over working customer service. 

I won’t go into detail of what happened over the last month or so but I will say that my depression and anxiety levels reached all new heights. I actually had anxiety attacks for the first time since I was a kid. The month of September however has been showing that things in my life are slowly improving and if you follow me on Twitter (which is where I am mostly active) then you know some of the things I am going to mention next. 

60 days until vacation, 60 days until a happier healthier me.

Hello lovelies!

So this post is going to be something different and I hope you all will support me on this as well. If you haven't been able to see by the title of this post I am challenging myself and starting a journey I hope will last longer than 60 days.

Back on July 16th it was officially 60 days until I am to go on vacation to Florida to visit with family. I have decided that as much as I am comfortable in my skin, I could feel even more comfortable and be a little bit more happier than I already am. For the last week or so I have been a lot happier than i ever have been and I honestly don't know where it came from.

All of my life I have been a little bit bigger than all the other kids and in high school I was at my heaviest. Up until I met my best friend ever Stephanie, I was uncomfortable in my skin, I hated the way I looked but I never had the motivation to change it because I never had the support I needed. Stephanie was the first person to truly accept me as I am and befriend me and she didn't care what I looked like. Ever since then I have made many friends who don't care what I look like and accept me for me and its great. Its like all it took was one person.

But still I sometimes feel uncomfortable in my skin and want to change, and I have tried everything from counting calories, asking my mom for help, which then just turns into a fight and she gives up on me. My dad is sadly no help he's just critical. He has said to me on more than one occasion that if I lost a few pounds I could get a boyfriend or attract someone. He made me feel unpretty and like I should be ashamed of myself. I know that that is not the case at all, I am a beautiful women who doesn't need a man to make her feel that way.

So I am left with myself and my friends whom I know will be there for me. Over the next 60 days I plan to hold myself accountable for my actions. I plan on still eating what I want but just less of it. My doctor has told me on more than one occasion, if you eat three slices of pizza, just eat two, its the little things that will help you change over all. That is some good advice if you ask me. I just never followed it.

So as your reading this obnoxiously long blog post your probably saying, "Okay Nicole you've explained, made excuses, what are you going to do about it and what goals have you set?".

Well I plan on exercising more, I can't afford a gym membership so I have a Extreme weight loss DVD to help me. That TV show is actually also a reason I am doing this. Recently on Tuesdays my mom and I have been watching the show and I see myself in the people trying to transform themselves. If I could do it on that show, I would in a heart beat. So Chris Powell if you ever see this blog post, (all though I know you won't) I would do Extreme weight loss in heart beat if it meant I would better myself and become a happier healthier me.

My goal from this is obviously to loose some weight. I'm not going to put my weight here I'm not that confident yet. But i will let you all know how much I loose if any. I also want this journey to be about me being happier, taking care of me, doing what I need to do to make myself better.

So if you support me on this I thank you, if you came here expecting a beauty post, come back on Monday.

Ill talk to you all soon <3 Nicole